YCHW Ch 63

When Hwi reached out his hand again, Yoonso did not avoid him. Hwi brought Yoonso’s hand to his own neck. As his fingertips pressed firmly into the carotid artery below his chin, he could feel the pulse jumping, thump, thump, against his skin.

He could clearly feel the change as the beat, strong and steady like its owner, grew a little stronger. Yoonso’s eyes trembled minutely as he looked at Hwi, who had willingly offered up a vital spot.

“If you enjoy shooting a bow, come out often.”

“…”

“Is there anything else you would like to do?”

His eyes seemed as if they would grant anything. But both he and Yoonso knew the truth that not everything was possible.

The love-hate mixed with pity was like a wave that crashed without warning, making Yoonso sway this way and that. On days he wanted to simply love him, hatred held his ankles, and on days he wanted to hate him to his heart’s content, love held his ankles. Yoonso no longer knew what he wanted to do.

“You must be busy with state affairs, so what brings you all the way here?”

“Because I have found a place to rest.”

“…”

“I came to rest.”

He had wanted to be his family. A home he could return to, a bosom he could trust and be held in, a deep affection that would not change no matter what happened. What had he become now?

Yoonso’s eyes, brightened by the sunlight, shimmered faintly like the glittering of waves. Sadness, too, is water, and so Yoonso closed his eyelids to keep it from overflowing.

𓇢𓆸

“Your Majesty, are you nervous?”

At Yeondeok’s question, Yoonso let out a long sigh. Whenever he was about to meet with the concubines, the nape of his neck would always grow stiff.

“Do I look it?”

“Yes. Your eyebrows look like they are about to touch.”

“Then I must be careful, lest I become a laughingstock.”

“Your Majesty would surely be handsome even if your eyebrows were connected!”

Wan suddenly cut in, and Yoonso’s gaze turned to her. As all eyes fell on her, she blushed and took a slight step back.

“So you need not worry…”

Ever since he had treated her to confections, Wan would often throw in a word like this, and he liked it all the more for its boldness. Even Court Lady Jo, who had been displeased at first, seemed to have softened, as Yoonso’s expression would brighten whenever he talked with Wan.

Yoonso looked at Wan with a face full of amusement and then spoke.

“Even so, wouldn’t it be strange if my eyebrows touched?”

“If one beholds Your Majesty’s *countenance, other things will not be noticed at all.”

“Is that so?”

“Because you are truly pure and beautiful.”

Feeling abashed by the direct assessment that a child might make, Yoonso took a needless sip of tea and observed Court Lady Jo’s expression. He was worried she might be scolded when he was not around. After all, it was considered impudent to speak of a superior’s appearance without being asked.

“Thank you. Now that you have said so, I have gained confidence and will be able to relax today.”

Yoonso raised his voice as if for her to hear, then rose from his seat. Yeondeok, standing to one side, had a face that was holding back laughter, so he gave him a slight look, meaning not to laugh, but soon Yoonso’s own lips broke into a smile.

He left his bedchamber and moved to Jayeongjeon Hall, the place where he attended to official duties and received guests. He sat in the seat of honor and waited for a moment, and soon the concubines arrived. Yoonso exchanged greetings with them, but in reality, it was little more than a formality, and he did not get the impression that he had grown any closer to them.

Court Lady Jo had advised him that it was rare for an empress and concubines to be close throughout history, so there was no need to try so hard. After hearing that, Yoonso realized that he, for one, had not opened his heart. Hwi was involved in his relationship with them, so he could not look at them with a purely innocent mind.

For Yoonso’s part, since they were the only ones he met and interacted with frequently within the palace, he wanted to get along with them as well as possible, but it was not easy in many ways. Thus, he kept getting nervous and dispirited, like a child standing before a distant adult.

“Your Majesty?”

Yoonso was pulled from his thoughts by Hyunbi’s voice.

“…Ah. My apologies. I received a report yesterday, and it says that one of the noble consorts who has come into bloom is refusing consummation for convalescence out of fear. There is a precedent for imposing severe punishment in such cases, but I would like to hear your opinions.”

“All benefits, including her stipend, must be revoked and she must be confined to the cold palace until she carries out the convalescence.”

Hyunbi gave a clear answer without the slightest hesitation. Yoonso hid his bewilderment and looked at Seongbin and then this Sowon in turn.

Seongbin simply lowered her eyes with an expressionless face, as if she had no disagreement, and this Sowon nodded once with a prim face, as if that were only right.

Yoonso’s confused eyes returned to the register. He had not expected them to agree so readily that a severe punishment should be imposed. Yoonso chose his words in his mind, then cautiously began.

“But this noble consort is still sixteen, and since it is her first time, she is bound to be afraid. And we do not know what circumstances she may have. So what do you think of helping her to adapt by giving her time?”

“May I dare to offer my humble counsel?”

“Of course. Did I not tell you not to mind?”

“Being afraid because it is her first time is nothing more than an unreasonable excuse. If a physician fears seeing a patient, how can he be called a physician?”

If he had not experienced the act of love, if he had not spent the first night with Hwi, Yoonso, too, would have thought this way. That the convalescence that takes place between a Yongrin and a Yeongchunhwa is different from sleeping with a loved one. That consummation is merely one of the methods of treatment.

But having experienced it, he was not sure how one could think of it differently. It seemed unlikely that the concubines did not know this feeling either, but did one have to have a different perspective when one became a superior who managed people?

“One cannot say it is the same as a physician. A physician chose that path, but a Yeongchunhwa did not. It will not be too late to recommend consummation after first allowing her to become accustomed to it through physical contact.”

“They receive a stipend that cannot be compared to a mere physician. If they take everything they can get but then shirk their actual duties, who would be able to trust a Yeongchunhwa?”

“If she did not even want those benefits…”

He regretted the words that had slipped out without being filtered. If they all knew of his past attempt to run away, what he was saying now was no different from spitting in his own face. But because they were fellow Yeongchunhwa, none other, he wondered if they, too, had ever felt a little similar to him. Hoping they had, Yoonso could not keep his mouth shut.

“It seems harsh to force even consummation.”

Hyunbi, who had been keeping her gaze averted from Yoonso’s face the whole time, lifted her eyes. Her calm and firm gaze seemed to pierce him sharply, and his chest stung.

“The noble consort in question is from Buksan, born into a poor family with a long line of younger siblings. A girl in such a situation, thanks to blossoming as a Yeongchunhwa, has come to the palace to sleep in a comfortable place, eat warm meals, and has allowed her family to live in abundance. What is harsh about that?”

“Is that truly all there is to a person’s life? All noble consorts have basically given up their given freedom and have chosen to follow their duties. What I mean is not that we should indulge that noble consort endlessly, but that she should at least have the chance to be given some time.”

“What is freedom, Your Majesty.”

Hyunbi asked a fundamental question in a low, dry voice. Yoonso faced her and recalled the freedom he had dreamed of and pictured.

To be able to go anywhere, and do anything. To be able to decide my own path with my own feet, even if I make mistakes and fail. To not have regrets because I can hold on to my pride, even if I have to starve and shiver in the cold.

Yoonso believed that the freedom he had wanted to obtain was no different from the freedom others wanted.

“Your Majesty. To me, freedom is having a place to eat and sleep. To be able to safely spend and greet the day. That is freedom. In a place where food, lodging, and safety are not guaranteed, what freedom can be obtained? What use would such freedom be?”

“…”

“Your Majesty was raised in a noble family, so it is only natural that you consider doing something you do not want an infringement of your freedom, but the majority of Yeongchunhwa were born into ordinary, poor families.”

Feeling as if he were being treated like an ignorant young master raised in a noble family, Yoonso felt a surge of emotion, but he firmly suppressed it. Hyunbi continued to speak with an unchangingly expressionless face.

“A girl born into an impoverished family with a string of younger siblings must leave home and find work of any kind if she is not to live as a slave to her family, but even if she labors until her hands and feet are raw, she will only earn a pittance. In that process, countless misfortunes that she must endure even if she does not want to also await her. When one considers that there are those who wallow at an unimaginable rock bottom, what great fortune it is to have become a Yeongchunhwa.”

“Everyone has their own circumstances. Some may walk their own path with pride and a sense of reward even in such a life. How can it be right to console myself by looking at the misfortunes of others?”

“Yes. But one must at least acknowledge the fact that one holds in one’s hand a fortune that others cannot obtain.”