ITDW 35

Smiling with joy, his eyes moist, the small teardrops under the corners of his folded eyes gathered together and flowed down. Jungyoon wiped the water from the corner of his eye, then gave Jaeri a short kiss on his forehead, cheek, and lips in succession.

Jaeri was not yet used to such physical affection and did not know how to react. He just stood still. He hoped Jungyoon would not misunderstand his lack of reaction as a sign of dislike. In truth, he liked it so, so much.

“Hey, why do you keep coming over so suddenly without saying anything.”

Jaeri was unwelcoming to Sunyoung, who had shown up unexpectedly in the morning, even as he opened the door for her. Sunyoung came inside anyway, and Jaeri hurriedly found his phone to send Jungyoon a message.

Hyung, Sunyoung suddenly came over again. I don’t know why she’s here. Is it okay if I hang out with her for a little bit?

“I came in a hurry because I have something to give you.”

“What is it that you had to come this early in the morning? While a person is sleeping.”

“How is 11 o’clock the morning? I brought you what you asked for before.”

“…The dildo?”

“Here.”

Jaeri took the box she held out without further delay to the table. He took out the contents, ripped off the unnecessary packaging with a tearing sound, opened the case, and took out what lay inside. It was quite heavy. The texture seemed okay. Jaeri sniffed it. It did not have a repulsive smell either. However, it was too thick and too long. Jaeri looked at it for a bit, then put it back in the case.

“……”

“You don’t like it?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“…You really make it obvious you’ve never had sex.”

As if you have, Sunyoung thought, dumbfounded.

“What’s wrong with it?”

“Ah, forget it. Go.”

Jaeri picked up the dildo and just went into his room. Sunyoung confirmed that the door was closed and sent a message to Jungyoon.

「Mr. Vice President, this is Ye Sunyoung. Jaeri said he doesn’t like it, but he won’t say why. He took it and went into his room.」

Jaeri went into his room and took it out again to look at it. Too big and too long. How am I supposed to throw this away… It looked like he now had to clean up another mess he had made during a hypomanic episode. For now, Jaeri pushed it deep under his bed.

Jungyoon’s office. A man with a neat appearance was sitting in a chair that stood alone in front of a desk so large it was intimidating. His posture was very upright.

“So. You have two years of experience as a lawyer.”

“Yes.”

“You graduated from an engineering college. What did you learn in the mechanical engineering department?”

“If you have a particular field of interest, I will answer regarding that.”

“…Hmm, I don’t, but it would have been boring if you had gone on and on. Did you hear a little about my personality from Manager Goo?”

“He gave me a hint.”

“How do you know Manager Goo.”

“We met in our university basketball club. He was the captain of the basketball club, and I assisted sunbae.”

Jungyoon turned his head to look only at the monitor and did not listen attentively to the man’s words. The man, thinking he had made a mistake, quickly shut his mouth.

“I enjoyed my time in the club.”

He asked, his eyes still fixed on the monitor.

“…How do you think it would feel to be professionally ruined as a lawyer?”

“…Excuse me?”

“Answer. Don’t play dumb.”

Jungyoon was annoyed that the man was pretending not to know, when he must have heard a rough explanation of the YJ Project from Manager Goo. This person was to join Yoonjae’s team and commit a mistake so fatal it would be questionable for a lawyer to make.

Jungyoon showed his feelings plainly as he looked into the man’s eyes.

“…Afterward, I would like to assist you, Mr. Vice President.”

“Lawyers live just fine even after making a lot of mistakes, so there’s nothing to be afraid of.”

He drew a line. Telling him to just live well as a lawyer.

“…Yes.”

“More importantly, I might, but YJ won’t go as far as to ruin you.”

“Yes.”

“…I’m not sure what part of you is useful, even if you tell me. Still, I trust Manager Goo, so we’ll proceed as is.”

“…Thank you.”

“You should be thanking Manager Goo for that.”

Jungyoon repeatedly provoked the man. So that he would draw out all his abilities and feel a burning desire to prove them. While also showing that once he trusts someone, he trusts them to the end.

After finishing the ‘intern’ interview, Jungyoon looked at the monitor. He had simply gestured for the intern applicant to leave.

He was, at that moment, a little surprised by his audacious little brother.

On the screen, Jaeri was cleaning the dildo thoroughly and then trying to put it in his mouth. He frowned as if he could not breathe, but he tried to put it in all the way. In the end, it poked his throat and he shed tears. Even so, he did not take it out and tried to shove it in further.

In the afternoon, as the sunlight began to turn a deep orange, Jaeri paced around his room because of the anxiety that enveloped his body. Needle-like thoughts that pricked him filled his mind so densely that they took over even the space for respite. He could not stay still.

He took a deep breath. He came out of the room and walked quickly around the living room, taking short, divided breaths. When that still did not calm him, he patted his own chest.

Then he ended up in Jungyoon’s bedroom and took deep breaths. His room, without him in it. An empty room without its owner, with a long time left until he would be home from work. When are you coming….

He stared blankly at the empty room. I miss him so much.

He was pressing down his feeling of helplessness when he climbed onto his bed. In this place where no one was, his scent made the suppressed things feel like they were flowing backward and coming out. He lay face down on it, clutching the edge of the blanket, and let out a sudden burst of tears like a thunderbolt.

Memories that were hard to bear were being screened in his mind in vivid color, like a movie playing in a theater.

It started with that gaze. The look of disgust he had given him as he lay fallen on the studio floor.

And, what followed—

‘Mr. Chairman, what if we send Jaeri to his grandmother’s house in America for a while?’

‘Jaeri?’

‘He bothers Jungyoon too much, and he’s a student preparing for exams. What if Jungyoon can’t focus on his studies because of Jaeri?’

‘…How did you come to think of that?’

‘The child has to be so dramatic.’

Words heard in the living room of the mansion at dawn. He had to hold the water glass in his hand tightly so it would not break.

‘Father, Mother, I’ll be really good, sob, I really won’t bother hyung, I was wrong, I won’t do it again.’

‘Why is the child being like this again, coming all the way here.’

‘I was wrong….’

His biological mother’s ice-cold gaze in front of him as he cried and begged at the airport. His father who had looked away.

‘Is it because he’s Asian? I can’t tell if he’s a boy or a girl.’

‘I’m a boy. Piss off.’

‘You got a dick?’

‘I do.’

‘Show me. I’ll believe you if you show me. You really don’t have one, do you?’

‘I said I do, you sons of bitches.’

The white guys who had swarmed him and pulled down his pants. Their many hands. Falling down and crying.

‘Ah, if something like that happened, you should have said so sooner! Secretary Yoon, what were you doing, not assigning a guard to the child?’

The eight-year-old child who had smiled bitterly upon hearing his father’s voice, belatedly blaming others.

‘…Shall I tell you something? It wouldn’t be strange for you to be eliminated by your ‘mother’ at any time, so be careful how you act.’

‘Mother, why do you hate me so much?’

‘…Well now, I love you, Jeremy.’

‘…I know that’s not true.’

‘It’s because I love you that I’m telling you this.’

Smiling. Passing by. Wanting to believe that his mother really loved him. Because the words that he might be eliminated by his hyung’s mother were persuasive.

‘Kim Jaeri. I heard you’re not even Director Han’s son. And here I’ve been sucking up to you all this time.’

‘…….’

‘Is this bastard pretending not to hear me?’

The voice of his deskmate, who he had thought was his friend until yesterday. He had liked him a lot because he was kind.

‘Aargh!!! Agh!!!!!!!’

‘Mr. Chairman, Jaeri is momentarily,’

‘…That retard.’

‘…….’

The curse word spoken to his own child with eyes where experience was layered in every wrinkle around them. At that moment when his suffering, as if he were dying, just looked like a retard to that adult. He could no longer make any sound, nor could he shed any tears.

The colors of the scenes were vivid. Why, why is it so vivid? The scenery from that time, the air and smell from that time, the emotions from that time, the gazes he had seen and the voices he had heard were all replaying in his head exactly as they were. At first, they replayed sequentially, but now the scenes were all mixed together, buzzing.

“Be careful how you act.” “Is this bastard pretending not to hear me?” “How did you come to think of that?” “They say Jelly is the son of a concubine.” “Did you think you were something?” “Isn’t he a somewhat creepy child? At his own mother’s funeral….” “That retard,” “Don’t contact me from now on.” “I love you, Jeremy.” “He’s a guy who only thinks of himself.” “Hey, Kim Jaeri. I said don’t pretend you can’t hear me!”

Jaeri covered his ears. His stomach felt hollow, as if a hole had been pierced through it. Jaeri clutched his stomach and curled up on the bed.

If he was going to be rejected by so many people, why was he born? If they were not going to welcome him like this, why. If they were going to hate him this much, why.

Or it would have been better if he had not been born weak. If he had been born strong like his hyung, not getting hurt, not feeling pain…. Or if he had been born truly beautiful, so that other people could feel good just by looking at his face. Or if he was really good with words, so he could gain anyone’s sympathy and lean on anyone easily.

Why was he born like this, so weak and strange and sensitive, without any eloquence or exceptional talent, and yet, on top of all that, unable to lean on just anyone.

He pushed his torso up and sat up, curled into a ball. He wiped his tear-streaked cheeks with his sleeve and smiled bitterly. His lips were bleeding from biting them as he had screamed and cried.

“Ah, this retard.”

He cursed himself in a hoarse voice. It was something that had happened a long time ago, yet he kept dwelling on it and hurting, which looked so pathetic even to himself.

Other people say time is a healer. That with time, you overcome difficult things. But for Jaeri, even time is no medicine. Because he remembers everything as vividly as if it happened yesterday. Because he has hammered those incidents into his head in their entirety.

This illness, it does not seem like it will ever get better.

It will probably just… get better, then get worse.

He falls apart just by recalling buried memories. The fact that he is a person who can fall apart at any time is shameful.