F74

The shipping date on the label was marked as today, based on the time past midnight. The sender was Ju Yeonho, the recipient Cha Gyeongshin. A woman Siwoo didn’t know. Who was she, and what had Yeonho tried to send her in the early hours?

But he didn’t have the presence of mind to think deeply about it. Siwoo looked away from the shipping slip and used his broken arm to hold Yeonho steady, making sure his shattered bones wouldn’t move out of place. Off to the side, the mangled body of Seong Junhee was being handled first.

Watching the horrific end of Seong Junhee made Siwoo worry even more for Yeonho, who had turned the person he loved into such a wreck. Just knowing he had made a mistake like this toward his brother of thirteen years, now also his lover, would be more than enough torment. That alone would be punishment for life. Siwoo couldn’t let him face legal punishment on top of it.

They were tangled together, wearing the same rental ski outfit and using the same board design. There were no eyewitnesses. Siwoo could just confess and say it was his doing. That way, Yeonho wouldn’t be punished. He wouldn’t have to live with the stigma of being the one who killed his own brother. How could someone like Yeonho, who had always received love and affection from everyone, bear something so brutal?

Unlike Joo Yeonho, Kim Siwoo had gone through hardships from a young age. He could endure this much. After all, he’d been scolded since the day he was born. He just had to be scolded a little more. There was no one else he wanted to be seen kindly by, no one else he was afraid of losing.

Siwoo gently stroked the tears flowing down Yeonho’s cheeks, trying to calm him.

“Don’t feel guilty. You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Yeonho fought to keep his heavy eyelids open. Now that he had been given the chance to see Siwoo again, he wanted to look at the face he loved, even for one more second. But he no longer had the strength to keep his eyes open.

He tried, but eventually, Siwoo disappeared from his view. All he could do was hold onto the sound of his voice.

“I’ll say it was my fault.”

Yeonho felt a strange ache at Siwoo’s gentle words, meant to comfort him. Even now, Kim Siwoo was painfully rational. He was already making plans for what was to come.

And yet, he was also completely irrational in love. A love made up of loss and sacrifice, endlessly unreasonable. Why was he doing something so foolish? Yeonho couldn’t understand.

Why, hyung? Why did you love someone like me, who only ever hurt you? How could you love me this much?

Drowsiness crept in. Unable to speak a single word through the tightness in his throat, Yeonho lifted his hand with great difficulty and traced the face of the first and last love of his life. Since he couldn’t open his eyes, he wanted at least to feel that face with his fingertips.

The beautiful eyebrows, eyelashes, nose, and his favorite, the lips.

As he desperately caressed that face, his hand dropped.

Yeonho lost consciousness and was taken away in the ambulance first. Left behind, Siwoo kept repeating the same words to the paramedics helping him.

“I… I did it. I’m so sorry.”

***

As a high school student aspiring to major in photography, Joo Yeonho had been accepted into his dream university. He was thrilled after receiving a notice to attend orientation soon. His second brother had left for language study abroad a few days ago. His eldest brother was…

“He was already dead when they got him to the hospital.”

When Yeonho woke up from surgery, his memory had rewound to January of the previous year, when he was twenty. He had lost about a year’s worth of memories.

His family told him the sad news that his eldest brother had passed away. That he’d died in a tragic accident after colliding with a college student who had been snowboarding on the same slope while drunk.

Yeonho blinked quietly at the news. By all logic, it was a tragic event. But it moved him less than a cheerful weather forecast. He pulled the blanket over his face and yawned. His family probably thought he was crying under the covers.

He found out the name of the student who had caused his brother’s death.

Kim Yeonho.

“Ah… the perpetrator’s name is Yeonho?”

Curled up like a caterpillar under the blanket, Yeonho muttered slowly under his breath.

“That makes it sound like I killed my brother…”

Somehow, he found it funny. He stifled a laugh, snickering quietly to himself.

While Yeonho was still in the hospital, Seong Junhee’s funeral was held. On the day of the farewell ceremony, Yeonho also attended in a wheelchair. It was the last of the three days, but still many came to pay their respects.

Yeonho thought he was still in a state of denial about his brother’s death. That once he truly faced it at the funeral, he would be overwhelmed with sorrow.

But he wasn’t. As he stared at Seong Junhee’s portrait, he felt like he might start laughing again. He couldn’t explain the feeling. He had loved Seong Junhee, who had taken care of him like a father in place of their busy parents. It made no sense.

Afraid he might let a laugh slip out, he covered his mouth with both hands. He pressed down on his lips and the muscles around them. Somehow, he even felt… happy.

But the moment didn’t last. The mood was shattered. Mourners sobbed and cried, saying what a wonderful and precious person Seong Junhee had been. Listening to those grieving voices, Yeonho’s heart started to pound and he felt like throwing up.

Why did he feel so disgusted? He couldn’t figure it out.

He wanted to escape that place immediately. It felt like grime had covered his whole body. Everything he saw and heard was polluting him.

He glared, unable to hide his discomfort. When he groaned softly, his mother, who had been receiving comfort from the mourners, looked at him. Her gaze held something unreadable, and for a split second, Yeonho saw hatred in her eyes.

What was that? Why did she look at me like that?

But she came over and spoke gently.

“It’s okay now. That’s enough. Let’s go back to the room and rest.”

And Yeonho believed the concern and gentleness in her voice were genuine. So was the hatred. Both were real. He didn’t know why.

A distant step-cousin he wasn’t close to kindly pushed his wheelchair. Thanks to him, Yeonho returned to his hospital room. On the way up, he caught sight of himself in the elevator mirror and widened his eyes.

“…Huh?”

He had been dozing off on the way down earlier, so he hadn’t seen his reflection. Now, the face in the mirror didn’t look like the one he knew. Realizing that the grotesque figure staring back was his own face, Yeonho lost consciousness again.

***

Siwoo endured the verbal abuse hurled at him daily. He had braced for this. He had indeed caused harm to his parents, but he felt no guilt. He saw it as payback for the abuse they had inflicted over the past twenty years.

“We tried so hard to raise you right and you turned out worse than garbage. We should’ve never had you.”

“Well, I guess you raised me like garbage. Great job.”

“What did you just say?”

Life after the incident was, as expected, hell. The violence at home was both emotional and physical. Outside, he used to be admired by many, but not anymore. Now when people saw him, they flinched like they’d seen an insect and backed away. The name Kim Yeonho had become a common topic at drinking tables.

Siwoo admitted to drinking even though he hadn’t. Because there was no way to prove Yeonho’s snowboarding had been an accident. Judging by his actions, it looked more like an intentional attack with murderous intent.

So saying he’d been drunk and it was a mistake was the only defense Siwoo had. He only learned later that the slope CCTV had not been recording.

Yeonho’s side never contradicted his confession. As always, he accepted Siwoo’s gesture without resistance. That was so like Joo Yeonho.

Of course, he didn’t expect gratitude or an apology. That wasn’t why he did it. He simply wanted to shoulder some of the weight Yeonho was carrying, and so he took on his guilt too.

All he wanted was for Yeonho to feel even a little sympathy for him. If he did, maybe one day Siwoo could take the place beside him that Seong Junhee used to fill. If enough time passed and the shock faded, maybe Yeonho could accept him again.

Living like this made him feel like a real criminal. When he met Yeonho’s parents during the trial, he couldn’t even lift his head. It was as if he had truly caused Seong Junhee’s death.

His mind was eaten away a little more every day. If only he could see Yeonho, it would be easier to endure. But for now, even approaching him was out of the question.

He was sure he’d be sentenced to prison. But thanks to his father’s efforts, Siwoo was given a suspended sentence. He didn’t feel relieved. The criticism around him only grew louder. It might have been better to live in prison than out here.

For a while, he let himself live among thorns. Let them pierce him all they wanted. But bleeding endlessly like that, he eventually realized he would die if it went on.

So he decided to start by removing the scars on his body. Yeonho no longer pitied him for them, so there was no reason to keep them. He would make sure his father never left a mark on him again.

If he wanted to return to Yeonho, he had to survive. And to survive, he had to become stronger than he was now. Siwoo made up his mind to throw away the resignation and despair he’d wrapped himself in.

He still had to live. And he would grow stronger. So that he could stand beside Yeonho once more.