LDR Ch 52

Originally, Jude was supposed to attend the wedding with his partner, Samantha, but she had recently found out she was pregnant, so she stayed in the United States instead of taking a long-distance flight. Thinking about things like that often made him feel the passage of time.

Through Jude getting back together with Rachel, going to America with her, eventually breaking up, meeting Samantha, and from some point on introducing each other as partners, Leo had always been with Harrison. But when he learned of the pregnancy, Harrison was not by his side. There was a time when he thought they would do everything together, and perhaps he still hadn’t completely let go of that, but he also knew that in the end, they had to live their own lives.

“He doesn’t do that for me.”

“That’s because you don’t really keep in touch with Sam separately.”

And yet, the words that came out were so smooth that it was impossible to tell there had been a gap in time.

“Keep in touch with people. Ask how they’re doing first sometimes.”

Even in the past, Harrison would ask how people were doing if he happened to meet them, but he wouldn’t go out of his way to arrange a meeting, saying he wasn’t particularly curious about what they were up to. Now that there was no one beside him to nag him to keep in touch, even if forced, perhaps he was more comfortable.

Knowing the other was looking at him but just staring straight ahead, the ceremony began. He naturally turned his head to look back, and one by one, the bridesmaids entered holding flowers. Leo watched Martina, who came in last. Although they occasionally kept in touch, it had already been several years since he had actually seen her face.

It felt like nothing had changed, and yet it also felt like a lot had changed. And as he watched her stiff face look forward and then quickly well up, he too looked to the front, and Lorenzo was already teary-eyed.

“Already.”

As he uttered the word with soft surprise, Harrison next to him also looked at Lorenzo.

“That was fast.”

He looked back and forth between Martina and Lorenzo, and the identical faces wore identical expressions, holding back tears with eyes brimming just the same. Martina detested being told she looked like Lorenzo, but the resemblance was undeniable.

As he was marveling at this, the bride’s entrance, which could be called the highlight of the wedding, began.

“I’ve never seen a wedding like this before.”

As he spoke while looking at the now openly crying Lorenzo, Harrison also replied with an air of amazement.

“Me neither.”

Now that he looked, Lorenzo’s mother was also crying, and Martina was finally crying too. And amidst it all, the bride was smiling brightly. Looking at her face, he thought that this family definitely needed someone like her.

Then, he looked at Jude standing with the groomsmen. Jude exchanged a glance with the bride, then gave Lorenzo a teasing side-eye before looking at Lorenzo and tapping the corner of his eye. It seemed to be a signal to stop crying.

Like that, Martina, her eyes still red, handed a letter to the bride, and soon the bride, who had been handed the microphone, slowly began to read the letter. It was simply a touching vow. A vow made of the kind of words heard at any other wedding, and for that reason, all the more lovely.

Leo listened to the happy voice and watched the sniffling Lorenzo. And beside him, Jude, holding the vows to be given to Lorenzo, was smiling, yet with a slightly troubled expression, subtly handing Lorenzo a handkerchief as if to tell him to stop crying.

Seeing the two of them together gave him a strange feeling. Some people say that the definition of a relationship doesn’t matter as long as you love each other, but it wasn’t really like that.

Over the past while, Leo had sometimes thought about it. What if Harrison had really gotten hurt? It’s unlikely he would have stayed away until Harrison recovered on his own, as Harrison wished. But if Harrison had pushed him away, would he have been able to hold on until the end?

It was hard to come to an answer. There are things that are better when you are just friends. If they had just been friends, he is confident he would never have backed down. Even if he was told not to come, even if he was told they wouldn’t meet, he would still have resolutely shown up in front of him every single day.

But if his lover refused him, why did everything change with just that one title for the relationship? When they were friends, the thought was that Harry was having a harder time, so I needed to be more understanding and helpful. Why is it that when a lover says the same thing, it has to leave a wound of being pushed away? He would eventually feel that he had to respect that opinion. Because it felt like he wasn’t needed.

The term ‘lover’ is such a strange title. Because it was a relationship where the option to break up existed. The fact that you and I are together is the same, yet everything changes with that one title.

<It says here not to cry. So…>

Soon, Lorenzo began to read his vows, but for someone who said he wouldn’t cry, it didn’t seem to be working. It didn’t even look like he was trying. He wasn’t very good at Italian to begin with, and it was even harder to understand because the speaker’s voice was trembling all over the place.

“Do you understand what he’s saying?”

He whispered quietly to Harrison, who was better at Italian, and Harrison leaned in toward Leo.

“I’m sure everyone knows, but I’m awkward when it comes to writing. That was the reason for our very first fight, wasn’t it? I was always more comfortable with phone calls, and you said you were more comfortable with texting. We have so many differences, but because of that, I’ve come to understand what you meant when you said that when we text, we can look back at past conversations and think of each other. In that way, you always take me to a world I don’t know.”

Leaning in so as not to disturb the others, the whispered voice was low.

“Until now, I had many things I wanted to achieve, but after I achieved what I truly wanted, I didn’t know what to do anymore. And you told me. That even if I don’t want it, even if I don’t achieve something, it can be good just as it is. That I can live and be happy like that. In that way, even when I couldn’t believe in myself, you were the only one who believed in me, and you made me anew.”

He suddenly lifted his gaze, which had been lowered, and Lorenzo’s face was a mess of tears, all his efforts to hold them in having been in vain.

“When I told you I didn’t know if I could be a good person for you, you got angry. You said that was disrespecting you. That it was the same as saying you had no eye for people. To be honest, that’s why I hesitated even more. I thought, why does a smart person like this like me?”

In between Harrison’s translation, laughter erupted from the guests who had already understood Lorenzo’s original words. Leo shifted his gaze slightly from the laughing-while-crying Lorenzo to look at the bride beside him. Beneath the veil, her face was filled with a radiant smile.

“So, at this moment, I won’t say that I will be the one to make you happy. The person who makes you happy will always be you. Instead, from now on and forever, I will be a part of that happiness.”

Then, suddenly, both Harrison’s and Lorenzo’s voices stopped. Lorenzo took a deep breath, stopping his tears, and raised his gaze from the vows he was reading to look at the bride before him, who would now be his wife.

“I promise to always love you, no matter what happens. Thank you for believing in me. I will also believe in you no matter what happens from now on. Except for when you’re driving.”

At those words, the bride covered her face with her hands as if embarrassed, and another round of laughter broke out among the guests.

<Her husband is a driver, so she doesn’t need to drive!>

This time, the laughter grew even louder at Lorenzo’s excuse, directed at the guests, which he understood on his own. Lorenzo, too, had stopped crying by now and was smiling as he looked at the bride. And as the voice continued again, instead of waiting for Harrison’s translation, Leo suddenly asked.

“You knew, too, didn’t you? That we could never stand up there.”

It was ridiculous, considering they had dragged all their families into the wedding preparations, but if he were being completely honest, from the moment he accepted the proposal, he knew they wouldn’t be able to get married. He also knows that the other person must have felt the same thing.

It wasn’t that he doubted Harrison’s words. He must have truly wanted to spend his entire life together. Because I did too. But he just couldn’t help but know. That now, our relationship really needed something. That we could no longer be together with just trust alone. That even I could no longer say that our relationship didn’t need such legal and social devices for your proposal. Because even I couldn’t believe it.

“Yeah.”

<Yes.>

After the short voice, Lorenzo’s vow was finally spoken. In the pledge to stand by and love each other steadfastly through any hardship, on happy days and sad days, there was no hesitation, only a happy tremor.

Sometimes, conversations with Harrison would come to mind. They weren’t consistent, and the topics varied, but sometimes memories would rush in like that. Once, amidst them, he recalled a conversation Harrison said he had with his grandfather.

And so Leo, too, often thought of that conversation, which he had forgotten and hadn’t given much thought to at the time. It wasn’t that he remembered that part because his grandfather had asked him when he was going to get married so many times. It was just that one question, from some night with an unclear background, pointing at Harrison, asking if he could picture spending his entire life with that boy, was suddenly and clearly pulled from beyond his memory.

At that time, he had answered no. It was a given that that boy would always be by his side, but he couldn’t imagine his face wrinkling, his hair turning white. Because it felt like you didn’t have the concept of ‘forever.’

Before long, the bride and groom, having finished their vows, kissed, and the guests clapped with smiles. And as they walked out of the venue together, Leo also stood up and sent off the picturesque couple with applause. Leo felt Harrison, who had stood up beside him, clapping as well.

“But it was nice.”

Buried under the sound of applause, his voice was hard to hear.

“Just imagining it.”

Because he was turned toward the bride and groom, his face was not visible.

Abu Dhabi Grand Prix

Yas Marina Circuit

After finally bringing the dogs, who were sniffing around, clearly not wanting to sleep yet, back to the bedroom, the phone he had placed on the bedside table rang. Leo reflexively checked the watch on his wrist. Behind the hand indicating the time in the UK, an arrow pointing to the time in Abu Dhabi pointed to a number.

It must be dawn there. Leo, feeling a bit dazed, petted the dogs and waited for the call to end. The vibration, which had seemed like it would never stop, finally did, and Leo stared at his phone for a moment before moving his hand over it.

[Call me back when you wake up]

Leo leaned against the office window and looked down. Watching the people passing by busily was a newfound hobby. They say that after a breakup, you stop in the street when you see someone who looks similar, but that didn’t apply to Leo. Misidentification, to some extent, stems from ignorance. But Leo knew where the person he wanted to mistake someone for was anyway. He would be in Abu Dhabi right now.

When he checked his watch, the hour hand pointing to Abu Dhabi was a little past noon. By now, even if he had gone to sleep drunk at dawn, he should be awake.

It wasn’t that he had been living completely out of touch with the news. He had heard all about what he was up to through family, and he knew that this season’s results were even better than last season’s, and that he had already secured both the driver’s championship and the constructor’s championship several races ago. And since Lorenzo, despite being a newlywed, met Harrison so often for some reason, he heard news from that end as well.

On top of that, while Adam and Finn didn’t think much of their parents being divorced since it had been that way since they were born, they simply couldn’t comprehend the concept of their older brothers having broken up, so they had even had a few video calls together. They had even had a four-way call with Lorenzo and his wife, and they had a rather enjoyable evening without a trace of awkwardness.

It’s just that, it’s been over a year now. They said time forgets nothing. So, maybe enough time had passed for them to start contacting each other directly.

So Leo made the call. And the call connected immediately, without even a chance for a ringtone to sound, but the receiver remained silent. Leo spoke quietly.

“I told you to call when you woke up.”

[Yeah.]

The conversation, which he thought would be nonchalant and ordinary, was more muted than expected.

“Did you drink a lot yesterday?”

[No. I didn’t have a single drop.]

“What about the party?”

[There was one, but I didn’t drink.]

“Then why did you call so late?”

[I was just talking with Simon and it got late.]

After those words, for a short while, neither Leo nor Harrison said anything.

[I told him I wanted to quit.]

Even at the words that came out suddenly, Leo did not reply.

[He got angry. Then he tried to persuade me somehow, but he said if I really, genuinely want to quit, and it’s not because I’m unhappy with something or because of money, then he’ll give me a break.]

He couldn’t quite picture what Harrison’s expression would be like right now. Nor what that conversation would have been like. How he came to have such thoughts, in what way he would have said it.

[He said I could be a reserve driver for about a year, or if I don’t want that, I can be a consultant. He said it would be nice if I could also serve as an ambassador, but he knows I hate that, so I don’t have to. He said he understands completely if I’m tired, so I should just take a year off and then come back.]

Then the voice paused for a moment before continuing softly.

[He said if I still want to quit after a year has passed, he won’t hold me back then.]

An impulse struck him. He knows that all that’s needed is a single word. And so he realized. He thought it would be okay since it had been over a year, but in truth, there had never been a single moment when it was okay.

“Harry, I…”

But the voice that finally came out was choked at the end, unable to convey anything.

[I know. I’m not asking you to decide for me. I don’t want to hear anything either. It’s not like that, it’s just, this is important.]

The voice that replied was calm and serene. And yet, somewhere within it, there was an emotion that was difficult to explain. An emotion that perhaps even the speaker himself was unaware of.

“Yeah.”

[We lived telling each other everything, no matter how trivial. But it’s a little strange for me not to say anything to you about something this big.]

The voice was young, lovely, awkward, and gentle.

“Thank you for telling me.”

[Yeah.]

Silence filled the space once again. There were things he had wanted to say when he made the call. He wanted to ask how he was doing, even though he already knew, joke about why he was dragging the newlywed Lorenzo around so much, talk about what his new house was like, just, he wanted to have that kind of conversation. Because it’s been over a year now. He thought it would be okay.

[Leo.]

At the voice that finally came, Leo simply replied.

“Yeah.”

[I’m not just saying this to try and get you back. I really want to quit.]

“I know.”

He thought he knew what Harrison was feeling. What he was feeling as he told his team principal he wanted to quit, as he was being persuaded, as he was telling him that fact.

[But I can’t do it.]

It must be fear.

“I know.”

He had known from the very beginning. Not as a conscious recognition, but as an intuition. It wasn’t that he was scared of never being able to race again, but that he was scared he would go back. That’s what’s scary. Scared that you’ll find out you’re the kind of person who can’t let go of that world until the very end. That was pitiful and lovely.

Everyone lives longing for something special. But even if you’re not special, even if you don’t have a passion to devote your entire life to, it doesn’t diminish the meaning of life. You find something you cherish, even if it’s not worth dying for. It’s not a body-burning desire, but you feel happiness. Everyone lives like that.

But there are people who are not like that. There are people who choose to be that way, and there are people who have no choice but to be that way.

[Leo.]

After a long time of just holding their phones, in a silence that no words could penetrate, a voice suddenly came out and continued quietly.

[Do you regret coming into that karting track back then?]

He couldn’t say anything to the hesitant voice. Because he felt like he knew what he looked like. His gaze would be lowered. His hand would be tensed, gripping something tightly. Maybe it was his phone. The face he hadn’t seen in months was so vividly clear.

The typical image of someone who has to do something they don’t want to do, yet can’t avoid and must face, anticipating a bad outcome.

“No.”

The word was firm, and his heart broke.

“Harry.”

He thought he was okay. He had won the championship title this season too, and from what he heard, it seemed like he was going out and meeting other people, and even when they saw each other in person and talked, it was natural. He had hoped he was okay, he wanted him to be okay. Because he wanted to be okay.

“Some things just happen that way.”

It wasn’t that they hadn’t tried. It wasn’t anyone’s fault either.

“Without any grand reason.”

For Leo and Harrison, there are no ‘what if’ moments. What if we had done that then, what if we hadn’t done that then. There is no room for such imagination.

“Some things just happen.”