ITDW 49

Jungyoon came home from work.

Jaeri was asleep, slumped over on the desk. On the paper in front of him, black lines were scribbled wildly with a pen. As if showing his own dark insides.

Jungyoon placed the black pen into the pencil holder.

Next to it, a line from a poem was written in messy cursive.

𝓘 𝓷𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝓼𝓪𝔀 𝓪 𝔀𝓲𝓵𝓭 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓼𝓸𝓻𝓻𝔂 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝓲𝓽𝓼𝓮𝓵𝓯.

𝓐 𝓼𝓶𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓫𝓲𝓻𝓭 𝔀𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓭𝓻𝓸𝓹 𝓯𝓻𝓸𝔃𝓮𝓷 𝓭𝓮𝓪𝓭 𝓯𝓻𝓸𝓶 𝓪 𝓫𝓸𝓾𝓰𝓱 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓽 𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝓱𝓪𝓿𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓯𝓮𝓵𝓽 𝓼𝓸𝓻𝓻𝔂 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝓲𝓽𝓼𝓮𝓵𝓯. 

𝓘 𝓱𝓪𝓿𝓮 𝓷𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝓼𝓮𝓮𝓷 𝓪 𝔀𝓲𝓵𝓭 𝓽𝓱𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓯𝓮𝓮𝓵 𝓼𝓮𝓵𝓯-𝓹𝓲𝓽𝔂.

𝓔𝓿𝓮𝓷 𝓪 𝓼𝓶𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓫𝓲𝓻𝓭 𝔀𝓲𝓵𝓵 𝓯𝓪𝓵𝓵 𝓯𝓻𝓸𝓶 𝓪 𝓫𝓻𝓪𝓷𝓬𝓱, 𝓯𝓻𝓸𝔃𝓮𝓷 𝓽𝓸 𝓭𝓮𝓪𝓽𝓱, 𝔀𝓲𝓽𝓱𝓸𝓾𝓽 𝓮𝓿𝓮𝓻 𝓯𝓮𝓮𝓵𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓼𝓸𝓻𝓻𝔂 𝓯𝓸𝓻 𝓲𝓽𝓼𝓮𝓵𝓯.

Jaeri was guarding himself against falling into self-pity, and he wrote about a small bird freezing to death alone. His small body, slumped haphazardly on the desk, looked just like a small, cold bird, and it made Jungyoon’s heart ache.

Jungyoon picked Jaeri up and carried him to his own bedroom. Jaeri’s body was still warm.

“Mm… hyung. You’re here.”

Waking up from the physical contact of being lifted, Jaeri snuggled into Jungyoon’s embrace and mumbled.

Before coming home from work, Jungyoon had checked the video of the consultation he had received from Jaeri’s doctor. The email to which the video was attached read, ‘Special note: Mr. Jaeri wants to hide his chronic symptoms from the Vice President. From 14 minutes and 37 seconds in the video.’

“Hyung, let’s… let’s kiss.”

In the early morning after their first time having sex, on the morning of January 1st as the day dawned. Jaeri sat in the dining room, slowly eating pancakes specially prepared with a recipe he used to eat at home. He did not want to eat anything, but he was eating because hyung told him to eat it all.

Right now, the sensation on his tongue was just one of the many sensations he was indifferent to; it did not evoke any emotion. In addition, Jaeri felt almost no pain in his lower body. It was because when his head was filled with other things, his senses became dull.

He only looked toward the bathroom that he had entered. I miss you even when I’m looking at you—he had thought he would never be able to understand those words. He had thought it was just some silly thing people said to show off their love.

Even though the person was right beside him, he missed him as if he were far away. It felt as if he had become a part of his own body. The influence of his existence had grown so large that he could no longer be whole without him. Jaeri suddenly thought that was a bit contradictory. In truth, if anything, he belonged to him, not the other way around.

But it did not matter which way it was. Even if he was just his component.

Wouldn’t a strangely shaped screw, abandoned on the roadside because it did not fit anywhere, just be happy when it found out it could be a part of a machine with a strangely shaped hole that was a perfect fit, just like him? Having learned its purpose for the first time in its life, what would it matter that it was just one part of that huge machine? The screw would gladly serve and be used as a part.

The feeling of being complete was gratifying. His heart had been a wasteland. When it was filled with water and soil, light poured in as if it had been waiting, and grass and trees grew, richly filling the empty space. It was the first time he had ever experienced such bliss. But the sensation of all that deep emotion felt overly natural, and seemed to be the kind of joy a human being should rightly enjoy. He felt a sincere sense of gratitude. He was grateful without even knowing to whom he was grateful. But at the end of that vast gratitude, fear followed like a long shadow.

What filled his heart was an exclusive affection.

Something he was experiencing for the first time, something he had never received even from his parents.

The first time he had experienced acceptance, the consideration of being waited for, a crazy-like yearning directed only at him.

The moment he stepped into that relationship in earnest, he became afraid.

It might be better not to start. If the expected joy is 100 and the expected pain is 1000, in the end, only a huge wound of pain would be carved into his heart. But Jaeri did not hesitate. He knew he could refuse, and he had been given many opportunities to refuse, but he did not hesitate even once.

Even though it was scary, he would be fine. He was already suffering from bipolar disorder and was accustomed to the cycle of joy and pain, so he thought he could endure this too. He bravely chose a path others would not take out of fear. He did not even know that it was courage. Jaeri simply thought he was a mutant, and so he made a mutant-like choice.

Gratitude often turns a person into a saint. Thank you, I’m grateful, hyung. I love you. And Jaeri vaguely thought. If, later on, hyung says he can no longer keep me and kicks me out, then I will have to step back. That’s how I must repay him. I have to become stronger, so that hyung can abandon me easily.

The overly realistic Jaeri of his depressive periods thought.

The morning light was still blue. It was a shade of color Jaeri liked.

The sound of footsteps on the wooden stairs was heard. He was coming down the duplex stairs. The morning light shone brightly on the stairs through the wide window. Bathed fully in that light, he looked at Jaeri and smiled brightly. His sun-like warmth was filled with affection. Jaeri stared at him blankly.

He came over to Jaeri and gave him a peck on the top of his head. Mwah. It tickled from the back of his neck down to his spine, and he curled his toes. After he went and sat across from Jaeri, he looked around the dining table.

“Why haven’t you eaten anything?”

“…I’m just not, done eating yet.”

“Jaeri.”

“Yes, hyung.”

“Don’t think useless thoughts.”

His eyes were serious. Jaeri’s eyes, as he looked back at him, were also serious, and even as calm as a lake. Their gazes faced off. He was the first to break the standoff.

“Come here. You can eat it all if hyung feeds you, right?”

That morning, Jaeri sat on his lap and ate the pancakes he was given like a baby bird.

He was on his way home. The morning of January 1st was like any other winter morning. On the side of the road where no one had walked, white snow was piled up beautifully, but on the roadway, snow, half-melted by calcium chloride and pushed around by car tires, clung to the ground, dirty and slushy.

The car Jungyoon was driving was smooth and even a little slow. You could tell by the speed of the cars next to them.

“Jaeri, sleep if you’re sleepy.”

“I’ll sleep, when I get home. …Can I sleep in your room, hyung?”

It was a question he had not heard in a long time. “Alright,” Jungyoon replied to Jaeri’s sleepy voice.

Vibrate—.

Jaeri’s phone vibrated. Jaeri thought Ye Seonyoung had just sent a meaningless Happy New Year message and did not look at it.

“Check it.”

“Ah,”

“You have to read it in front of me.”

“Okay.”

He took it out and read it.

“…Noona, 10:02, ‘Jaeri. Haven’t you given your New Year’s greetings to Father yet? Father said he hasn’t heard from you or oppa. You should at least say hello.’”

“Kim Yoonjae is acting cute.”

Jungyoon laughed as if he found it amusing. He had read Yoonjae’s intentions completely.

“Hyung….”

“Yoonjae is right. We were so busy we didn’t think of it. Do you want to call first, Jaeri?”

“…Alright.”

Jaeri pushed down his discomfort and made the call.

— It’s Jaeri.

“Yes, Father…. How have you been? Um, I called… to give you my New Year’s greetings.”

— Yes, Jaeri, I hope you stay healthy in the new year too. …Now that you’re a university student, it would be nice for you to experience a lot of fun things in the new year.

Chairman Kim offered Jaeri words of blessing first. It felt as if he had squeezed out the blessings to some extent.

“…Yes, Father, in the new year… please stay healthy. …And, …and, I hope, you receive many blessings….”

Jaeri’s words trailed off toward the end. Telling Chairman Kim to receive many blessings felt not just awkward, but far too awkward.

— Thank you.

“…Yes.”

— Is your hyung next to you?

Jaeri looked at Jungyoon. He did not know how he should answer. Since he received no signal from him, Jaeri told the truth.

“…Hyung is next to me.”

— Let me speak to him.

“Yes, Father.”

Jungyoon opened his mouth with a thoroughly annoyed expression.

“Father. I have the phone.”

— Yes. Hmm….

“I hope the new year is filled with happy days for our family. I will come to see you soon.”

Jungyoon said simply, in a tone that suggested, You’ve heard my voice, isn’t that enough?

— Jungyoon.

“Yes.”

— …You speak so well while making my stomach churn from the very start of the new year.

“The kid is listening. Let’s talk later.”

— You’re concerned about the kid, so why did you do that to Yoonjae.

“I will speak to you when I see you in person.”

— …Alright. And teach the youngest how to speak. He’s an adult now, he should at least know how to speak clearly.

Jaeri’s face turned red and he bowed his head. Jungyoon glanced at Jaeri for a moment before looking away.

“Would you be happy if the youngest just had a silver tongue like me? One of your children should at least have a cute side.”

Jungyoon said this in a tone that was completely devoid of any cuteness.

— Tsk, you know what I mean.

“In his own way, he’s acting cute for his age.”

Jungyoon sometimes hit the nail on the head. If the kid had greeted him with overly polite and flawless manners, Chairman Kim was the type of person who would have nagged him for not acting his age, for being a little adult, for being sly.

— …Alright. Go on home. Let’s talk at the company tomorrow morning.

“Understood.”

Jungyoon hung up the phone. The car was quiet for a moment. Jaeri could not tell the reason, but he knew the family atmosphere was not good. And his hyung’s mood right now, too.

“Jaeri.”

“Yes, yes. Hyung.”

“If someone says something to you, repeat after me. ‘That drooling mouth of yours is disgusting, so shut up and get lost.’”

The feeling was different from any other time Jungyoon had taught him something, so Jaeri was a little bewildered, but he followed along obediently.

“…Shut up and get lost.”

“Just now, too, when you heard that strange comment from Father,”

Jungyoon said seriously, looking only straight ahead.

“…Hyung, but to Father.”

“It doesn’t matter who it is. You think it in your head. Try again from the beginning.”

His tone was even stern.

“…What the hell do you, know about me. Shut that stinking mouth of yours.”

Jaeri said it quite smoothly in one go. Actually, he had had such thoughts from time to time. Though he had never had them about his parents.

“That’s right. That’s how you do it. Good job, my Jaeri.”

“Yes.”

“A slight smile on your face.”

“Yes.”