ITDW 50

Jaeri gave a natural smile.

“And with your mouth, you say this. ‘I understand perfectly. I look forward to your continued guidance and encouragement in the future.’”

They were not looking at each other, but it felt as if they had looked into each other’s eyes and smiled. Jungyoon spoke.

“This is how adults talk. It’s nothing special.”

“Yes.”

“You only need to worry about what I think. Don’t pay attention to anyone else.”

“…I will, hyung.”

“And don’t get upset.”

It was important for maintaining the relationship that Jungyoon be the standard for all of Jaeri’s thoughts. Otherwise, it was a relationship that would flicker and break like a candle in the wind. In order for the brothers to maintain their unique relationship, they had to not care about their father, or what many people call common sense, or customs, or morality, or the law, and Jungyoon was genuinely indifferent to such things.

That morning, when Jungyoon saw Jaeri’s sunken eyes lost in thought, he knew what was on his mind. But without showing it, he smiled brightly as he met the eyes that looked at him sadly. The only thing Jaeri needed to see was him.

The tired brothers did not talk anymore. The car was quiet. The silence was peaceful. Jaeri enjoyed the sensation of the cold air lingering at the tip of his nose. As if pure, clean ice water had melted into the air, the coolness he inhaled through his nose was refreshing. His body was certainly very tired, but except for his head feeling a little heavy, he felt light.

Coming home felt welcoming somehow. It was his and hyung’s space. Jaeri washed up briefly, got into Jungyoon’s bed, and fell asleep, enjoying the moderate dimness and his scent that clung to the bedding.

When Jaeri woke up a long time later, he did not know since when, but he was holding Jaeri from behind, asleep with him.

Jaeri looked at his large hand in front of his eyes and gently pressed the protruding veins. He also tried taking the pulse on his wrist like an oriental medicine doctor. He felt the steady pulse for a long time, lifted hyung’s hand to smell his wrist, and checked the shape of each and every one of his fingernails, before falling asleep again.

The Chairman’s office. Chairman Kim, Jungyoon, and Yoonjae were sitting with serious expressions. For a family gathering, they were at odds with each other like it was a business meeting, and for just a business meeting, the resentful expressions on Chairman Kim’s and Yoonjae’s faces were too blatant.

Chairman Kim’s office, which exuded a stately atmosphere with its dark wood, had large windows that let sunlight pour in. By the window, well-tended orchids, with not a speck of dust on their leaves, were lined up like decorations.

“So you’re really going to file a lawsuit.”

“When I thought it was just a simple mistake, I was going to let it go since it was Yoonjae’s affair. But don’t you find it strange that the article of incorporation in question happened to be a revision drafted by an advisor from Haesung Law Firm? Furthermore, it’s even more suspicious that it’s not even a clause typically included in a joint-stock company’s articles of incorporation. I have inquired with Haesung about a thorough investigation into this matter, but,”

Jungyoon looked at Yoonjae.

“They just keep repeating empty words, saying it was just a mistake, so shouldn’t we respond from our side?”

“…Yoonjae. What is going on here? Is what Jungyoon is saying all true?”

“…Looking at the facts, it’s all true. But Father, we have no reason to do such a thing. What profit would there be in doing that?”

“Chairman, we also plan to dismiss the head of our legal planning office. If we’re holding our own people accountable for being stabbed in the back, does it make sense not to hold Haesung, who did the stabbing, accountable? Since I’m ousting our own person, I have to at least leave a scratch on Haesung’s reputation.”

“……”

Chairman Kim and Yoonjae were silent.

“Yoonjae.”

“…Yes, Father.”

“Could it be, your mother’s doing?”

“Father! It’s not, really. I don’t know why things turned out this way either, but.”

“Then I told you to bring that bastard here.”

Jungyoon said coolly.

“If I bring him?”

“We have to ask politely, who ordered you to do it.”

“What does that mean?”

“Stop acting so naive. Yoonjae, there’s an easy way. If you hand over that half-wit lawyer of yours, I’ll find out who was behind it, come what may, and I won’t touch Haesung. If you won’t even do that, then I have no choice but to suspect Haesung.”

“…I was the one in charge. It’s my fault for not filtering it out, and if there’s an investigation, it should be on that advisory lawyer, why a junior who’s still….”

“Ah, Yoonjae.”

Jungyoon smiled.

“Are you telling some kind of fairy tale? So you don’t want to take responsibility, and you want to protect your person?”

Jungyoon genuinely felt sorry for Yoonjae. He knew that guy was a junior from the law firm that Yoonjae cherished, but before that, he had been Manager Koo’s junior, and now he had betrayed Yoonjae. And Yoonjae was trying to protect a guy like that.

“If that’s your leadership, you might as well have taken all the blame yourself. Cleanly.”

The family was silent for a while. It was Jungyoon who broke the silence.

“Father, I have an important call, so I will be leaving first.”

Jungyoon said as he stood up. His phone was vibrating. Chairman Kim let out a low sigh, and Yoonjae also bowed his head.

Inside the elevator going to the Vice President’s office on the 23rd floor. Jungyoon answered the phone.

“Jaeri.”

— …Hyung.

“Yes.”

— You said to call… after lunch… so I, called.

“Good job. Did you eat it all?”

— …I left just a little bit.

“Let’s see.”

Jungyoon switched to a video call. Soon, a slightly flustered Jaeri appeared before his eyes. It seemed he was thinking that he had never made a video call because of food before, but from now on, he would be checked this way.

— Hyung, ah, I… this much here.

Jaeri showed the porridge bowl.

— I ate almost all of it. I left a little bit of the abalone.

“You left a little. Alright, you can get up now.”

— Yes, hyung.

Soon, Jaeri’s face appeared on the screen.

“You know you have a hospital appointment in an hour, right? Go and get your treatment properly.”

— Yes, I will.

Jaeri felt a bit shy that his face was filling the phone screen and answered without meeting its eyes on the screen.

“If it’s chronic, what does that mean?”

Jaeri asked seriously.

At the hospital, thanks to Dr. Han Yeongsik’s advice that there were signs of Jaeri having experienced childhood depression, they conducted a detailed examination through psychological tests, interviews, and sentence completion tests. The result was a finding that it seemed Jaeri had indeed had childhood depression. If childhood depression is not treated in a timely manner, it can lead to chronic depression or develop into bipolar disorder in adulthood. In Jaeri’s case, it was chronic and had changed into bipolar disorder.

“You don’t have to worry too much.”

The doctor said kindly, but Jaeri bit his lip hard. The illness had to be cured. The doctor continued.

“It’s true that a chronic condition is difficult to cure completely. …However, with consistent medication and concurrent psychotherapy, you can gradually get better. In your case, Mr. Jaeri, you said your whole family knows about the illness, right?”

“Yes.”

“When the family is aware and helps with treatment, the prognosis tends to be good.”

Jaeri started to nod, then stopped.

“…Does my hyung know too? That it’s chronic….”

“Do you not want to inform your guardian?”

“No.”

“Then, I will respect your wishes as the top priority, Mr. Jaeri. You don’t have to worry about that.”

Jaeri did not know that his consultation with the doctor was being recorded and transmitted in real time. The doctor was faithful to his employer’s order to strive to appear as if he were respecting Jaeri’s wishes as the top priority in any situation.

After returning home, Jaeri started to draw. He tried to draw the water, earth, light, grass, and trees that had grown in his heart, which he had seen like a vision. Perhaps because his drawing skills were not good, what he had seen then was not reproduced. And for one, the only color he was using was black.

He tried to stop having bad thoughts. What if I become a burden to hyung? I have to leave when hyung doesn’t need me anymore, but what if I’m too weak at that moment and can’t do it? Or what if I’m in a hypomanic period then, and I think everything’s fine, making unrealistic plans as if living in a fairy tale, and I’m just floating around acting on them?

Jaeri was not a fool. Hyung would have to get married someday. He just did not know if it would be in a year, or in three years. He knew it was an exclusive relationship with a time limit. Only the fact that they were connected by blood, so their bond would not be severed, was a faint comfort.

Perhaps, sometimes when he was crazy, or when hyung was crazy, they might commit a transgression that everyone in the world would curse and throw stones at; he just had such thoughts.

At that time, the decision would be made by hyung, and he would leave the burden of that immorality to hyung. Jaeri was even having such thoughts.

Depression was that kind of illness. Some said that depression makes people successful. Jaeri thought that was common American optimism.

They said that depression was a kind of survival strategy, that it makes one sink for a while to see reality very coolly, reflect on the current situation, and find a way forward.

But human survival is not like that. People do not live in a cold reality, but only in the reality inside their own heads. Jaeri knew that well because that light was sometimes bright and sometimes gray.

A stark anxiety arose. He began to see himself too objectively. He had received exclusive affection and had resolved to repay it. There, now, was a shabby version of himself, worried that he might not even be able to keep that promise he made to himself.

Jaeri was sadder about the possibility that he might not be able to repay him than about the hurt or difficulties he would face in the future.

He had a premonition that he would not be able to let hyung go.

His vision was blurry. Jaeri breathed in, in a place filled with steam. The hot vapor rushed into his nose, and the scent of wood clung to him thickly. Beads of sweat formed on the nape of his neck. Drip, drip… Somewhere, water condensed from the steam fell onto the wooden floor.

Jaeri and Jungyoon were sitting side by side on a long cypress wood sofa. The temperature inside was not particularly high. It was set to their preference, as neither Jungyoon nor Jaeri liked places that were too hot.

Jaeri leaned his head on his shoulder. From their touching skin, water, whose sweat it was he could not tell, squeezed through the gap and trickled down.

They did go to the sauna from time to time, but it had been a while.

Because Jungyoon enjoyed intense sports, Jaeri had followed along with his workouts a few times. Today, the brothers had played tennis together. Jaeri had strained himself a bit trying to return his powerful shots.

He took Jaeri, who was whining that his leg joints were creaking and his thigh muscles were trembling uncontrollably, to the sauna. It was a place used only by Chairman Kim and the three siblings.

His hand was resting on Jaeri’s knee. Whether it was because of the heat from his palm or the overexerted muscles, his knee felt warm from the inside out.

Jaeri slowly traced his finger along the back of his hand. Shooook. It felt as if water would seep out where his finger brushed.

Jaeri liked hyung’s hands. They were big, with prominent veins, and long fingers. Those hands would sometimes hold him so tightly he could not breathe, sometimes rub his back, and also sometimes spank his bottom painfully. They were hands that confined and protected him.

Jungyoon let Jaeri play on the back of his hand.