SLC 76

“Teacher.”

Kim Jinkyung answered with a “Mm,” and frowned when he heard someone calling him.

“…Did you sleep?”

“Yes….”

Mok Seongha sat in the glass garden and read through every page of the diary his grandfather had left behind. He kept wiping away his tears, and sometimes he clenched his teeth and bit down on his lips.

He read all of it without skipping a single line. Kim Jinkyung sat beside him and waited for a long time, until he finished reading everything.

Late at night, the two of them went back into the house. They lay down on the bed together, but half-asleep, Kim Jinkyung saw Mok Seongha sitting alone at the table, crying as he read the last notebook.

He cried so quietly that Kim Jinkyung wanted to hug him, but he knew Mok Seongha had chosen to read his grandfather’s final diary by himself, so he stayed still and pretended to sleep. When Mok Seongha came back to bed, he laid down and snuggled his cold body against him.

Kim Jinkyung closed his eyes and held Mok Seongha’s hand. He fell asleep again.

“…What time is it?”

“One.”

“Go back to sleep.”

Kim Jinkyung tugged at Mok Seongha’s hand.

“Teacher. I have a favor to ask.”

Kim Jinkyung rubbed his eyes.

“What is it?”

“Let’s go somewhere together.”

Kim Jinkyung slowly sat up on the bed. They were both exhausted, and Mok Seongha had to know that too. Even so, waking him up at this hour to ask him to drive meant it was something important.

“Just a moment,” Kim Jinkyung said, as he grabbed a jacket. He had fallen asleep on the bed without even changing earlier, so there was no need to change clothes.

“Where are we going?”

Mok Seongha handed over a newspaper clipping. Beneath the article about the accident scene, there was an address written on a Post it note.

“Here? Why?”

“There’s something I want to check.”

Mok Seongha handed him the car keys he had already prepared. Kim Jinkyung slipped his wallet and phone into his pocket and put on his jacket.

“What about Secretary Kang?”

“I want to go just the two of us.”

Mok Seongha’s eyes were still swollen and red. Kim Jinkyung gently caressed under his eyes.

“…Do you want to try a cold compress at least?”

“Didn’t you look in the mirror? You face is more swollen.”

“…….”

Still a rude little cat.

Mok Seongha pulled Kim Jinkyung’s hand down and laced their fingers together. The two of them quietly left the mansion so they wouldn’t wake anyone.

The navigation showed less than two hours. The roads at dawn were completely empty, so they arrived about thirty minutes earlier than expected.

They parked the car in an empty lot near the road. Mok Seongha stared ahead while comparing the photo from the newspaper article with the road in front of them.

“Do you remember anything?”

“No. Nothing at all.”

“…….”

He expected this. This wasn’t a novel or a movie, and going to the accident site wouldn’t suddenly bring his memory back.

“Hey, you’re thinking ‘I knew it would be like this,’ aren’t you?”

“What? …No.”

“If you hit the back of my head from behind, I won’t let it slide.”

“Why would I do something like that?”

“Usually that’s when people get their memory back.”

“…Haha.”

Kim Jinkyung laughed and followed behind Mok Seongha.

“They said I was found around there.”

“Where?”

“Down below the road, next to a greenhouse by the orchard. I was there.”

Before they left the house, Kim Jinkyung had already realized that Mok Seongha had met Secretary Kang. As expected, Secretary Kang would have noticed him leaving the house. But the reason he hadn’t come out to see them off was probably because Mok Seongha wanted it that way.

“A greenhouse?”

“Yeah. Let’s go.”

Mok Seongha pulled Kim Jinkyung along by the hand. His hand was large. Kim Jinkyung held it back, and they walked for a long time across the ridge between the rice fields.

But what awaited them wasn’t an orchard or a greenhouse.

A brightly lit motel, covered in flashy neon signs, was where the greenhouse should have been.

“…Was there a motel here back then too?”

“No.”

Mok Seongha answered with a heavy expression as he looked up at the gaudy motel.

“I guess this place is new.”

Kim Jinkyung spoke while searching the motel’s name on his phone.

“…Fuck.”

Mok Seongha cursed under his breath and lowered his head.

“They said I was holed up inside the greenhouse for days, so I thought we might find out something if we came here….”

Mok Seongha ran a hand irritably through his hair, and apologized to Kim Jinkyung.

“I dragged you out here for nothing….”

“No, it’s fine. It’s okay. A drive for a change of pace isn’t bad.”

“A change of pace, my ass. Your eyes are all bloodshot, red like a rabbit’s.”

“…….”

Kim Jinkyung quickly rubbed his eyes.

“Let’s just sleep.”

Mok Seongha tugged at Kim Jinkyung’s hand again.

“Huh? Where?”

“Where do you think? We’ll sleep at the motel.”

“What? All of a sudden?”

Mok Seongha turned back to Kim Jinkyung and laughed.

“I’m still in mourning. The 49-day¹ hasn’t passed yet, so I can’t have sex with you.”

“What, why would you even say that, I never…”

“Just sleep. You must be tired from driving.”

Mok Seongha pulled the red Kim Jinkyung along and went into the motel. Fortunately, it was an unmanned motel, so they went straight into the room without running into anyone.

“…The smell.”

Mok Seongha frowned the moment they entered the room.

“Is it because of the air freshener?”

Kim Jinkyung looked around, thinking he should put the air freshener outside.

“No. It smells like cum… fuck. Humans must’ve fucked like crazy in here.”

Kim Jinkyung’s face burned even redder than before.

“I-I don’t think I smell anything…”

“You wouldn’t. Of course you wouldn’t.”

Mok Seongha threw himself onto the bed. Kim Jinkyung sniffed the air, tilted his head, then opened the window. The sound of frogs immediately flooded in, loud and relentless.

“Close it. It’s noisy.”

The area was surrounded by rice fields, so the frog calls were overwhelming. Kim Jinkyung quickly shut the window.

“Are you okay? Should we find another place?”

Kim Jinkyung asked with a worried look. Mok Seongha grabbed his arm, pulled him close, and nuzzled the back of his neck.

“…I’m fine.”

He took a few deep breaths. Kim Jinkyung felt a ticklish sensation at his toes. He slowly shifted and lay down beside Mok Seongha.

“Should I turn off the light?”

“Yeah.”

Kim Jinkyung pressed the switch by the bed, and every light in the room went out. Fluorescent stickers shaped like sexual positions of men and women glowed on the ceiling.

“…What a fucked taste.”

“…….”

Even Kim Jinkyung sighed at the eyesore.

“Hey.”

“…Yes.”

“Thanks.”

“Pardon? For what?”

“For everything.”

Mok Seongha spoke with his eyes closed.

“If it weren’t for you, I’d have rotted away in the garden.”

“Seongha-ssi…”

Mok Seongha turned onto his side and propped himself up on one arm.

“I’d have just stayed there, waiting to die. Doing nothing.”

“That’s good, then. At least you got busy.”

Kim Jinkyung answered with a smile.

“When I take off the mourning clothes, I’m going to fuck you like crazy.”

“…Seongha-ssi.”

“I’ll lock you up all day and only have sex. I’ll fill your stomach with cum, bite and suck every single toe and finger, and while sucking your nipples, I’ll…”

“St-stop it!”

Kim Jinkyung covered Mok Seongha’s mouth. The latter licked between Kim Jinkyung’s fingers. He immediately pulled his hand back.

“Hey. Teacher.”

“…….”

Calling him teacher in a moment like that. He had no manners.

“I like you.”

The sudden confession made the anger that had flared up melt away.

“I really like you. So much.”

Mok Seongha laid his head on his arm and looked at Kim Jinkyung, confessing his feelings without holding back.

“I can’t do this without you anymore.”

“…Seongha-ssi.”

“I regret it. I should’ve listened to my grandfather.”

“What do you mean?”

In the darkness, Mok Seongha traced Kim Jinkyung’s face with his gaze. He was the only remaining meaning in his life. Mok Seongha knew what would happen to him if he lost that.

“…I should’ve gotten your signature.”

Kim Jinkyung didn’t know yet, but Chairman Choi had left a large portion of his shares to Kim Jinkyung in his will. It was an inheritance big enough to last three generations, even after paying off the debt.

“Shall I… give it to you?”

Kim Jinkyung asked, blinking his big eyes. He had said he would stay of his own will, but the moment he saw the man’s anxiety, he gave way without hesitation.

‘That kid is too soft. That’s what worries me.’

Mok Seongha remembered his grandfather’s remark. His grandfather had always been accurate about people. Kim Jinkyung was too soft. He had never once treated Mok Seongha harshly. But Mok Seongha knew that the same gentle man had faced everything head on, more firmly than anyone else, when he read the diary in a trembling voice without backing down.

That was Kim Jinkyung that only he knew. Only him.

Mok Seongha traced Kim Jinkyung’s face with his finger. The bridge of his nose curved prettily before sloping down. Mok Seongha brushed his thick lips beneath it. He knew that Kim Jinkyung had been looking only at him this whole time, even in the dark.

“…How many days until the 49-day?”

“…49 days.”

“Fuck.”

Mok Seongha cursed and lay flat on his back. He fiddled with Kim Jinkyung’s hand and closed his eyes.

A moment later, both of their breathing slowed down into an even rhythm.‎

‎

‎

‎

Soft, black fur brushed against his nose. A rough tongue licked his face before he could even realize what it was.

The tongue slowly licked his face again. When he opened his eyes, golden eyes were looking down at him.

It was a black panther.

A fierce beast he had only seen in books or on television was staring at him, but he wasn’t afraid.

He slowly reached out and touched the panther’s nose. The black panther lowered his head, offering his face to be touched as much as he wanted.

A damp nose, long whiskers, round ears.

After he petted him for a while, the panther growled and lifted his head.

Their eyes met.

Gentle golden eyes.

“Seongha.”

He was calling him.

Only then did the child realize that this was his father.

Mok Seongha opened his eyes in the dark. The sound of his heart pounding rang loudly in his ears.

The corners of his eyes felt damp. He roughly wiped away the tears.

Why did he dream about this?

In the dream, the black panther looked at him more gently than anyone else. He knew who it was without anyone telling him.

Those golden eyes were exactly like his own, eyes that once looked at something more precious than anything else.

His eyes started stinging. He didn’t even know why he was crying. Mok Seongha hurriedly wiped his eyes again.

If he kept showing himself crying like this, Kim Jinkyung might start to distance himself from him.

But at least this time, he cried while Kim Jinkyung was asleep….

Mok Seongha turned his head to the side, then suddenly sat up.

He wasn’t there. Kim Jinkyung was gone.

“Hey.”

He called out, thinking Kim Jinkyung might have gone to the bathroom. But the area was too quiet. If he were nearby, Mok Seongha would have heard that familiar, calm heartbeat.

“Teacher.”

Mok Seongha called him again. No one answered.

He checked the time. It was past 4 a.m. Where would he go at this hour?

Mok Seongha reached for his phone, then remembered he hadn’t even brought it. When Kim Jinkyung was beside him, he never had any reason to call anyone else.

“…Teacher.”

Mok Seongha called again, expecting Kim Jinkyung to appear from somewhere and answer. Nothing happened. The surroundings remained eerily silent. Even the frogs that had been croaking so loudly earlier had completely gone quiet.

He started feeling anxious.

What if he disappeared…. What if he started to hate me. What if we never meet again….

Mok Seongha ran out of the room. He remembered the day Kim Jinkyung had left him behind. He hadn’t followed then and had gone back home instead, but once he lost contact with Kim Jinkyung afterward, he regretted it so much he felt like he was dying.

He pressed the elevator button. He didn’t have the patience to wait for the numbers to crawl up from the first floor. Mok Seongha ran down the stairs instead. He burst out of the motel and looked around.

“Teacher!”

Mok Seongha shouted Kim Jinkyung’s name. The latter was easily startled. During tutoring sessions, whenever Mok Seongha called out “Hey,” Kim Jinkyung would flinch and look over at him nine times out of ten. At first, it was ridiculous, but later it started to feel amusing, so Mok Seongha continued calling him like that.

It felt like petting a weak herbivore. These days, Kim Jinkyung had gotten more used to being called “Hey” and didn’t jump like before, but sometimes he would still blink those big eyes and look up at him.

Then he would always answer, a little slowly.

‘Yes. What is it?’

That mix of fear and curiosity was exactly like Kim Jinkyung.

“Hey! Teacher!”

Mok Seongha shouted again, veins standing out on his neck. The area around the motel was nothing but rice fields. Anyone who built a motel in a place like this obviously had no sense of commercial viability.

If there had at least been a coffee shop nearby, he could have hoped Kim Jinkyung was around there, but there was nothing like that.

Everything around him was pitch black.

“Where did you go? Fuck.”

Mok Seongha ran around, searching the area. Cold, sticky mud clung to his feet.

He started to regret.

Was it wrong to wake him up and ask him to drive all the way out here? Or was it because he cried like a child, then turned into a panther and cried while clinging to Kim Jinkyung? Or was it because Kim Jinkyung hated the fact that he was a panther?

Anxiety constricted his throat making it difficult to breathe. If this was going to happen, he should’ve forgo the 49-day rite and kissed him earlier. He should’ve held Kim Jinkyung’s hand, told him he liked him, kissed him, hugged him, and begged him not to leave.

“Hey! Kim Jinkyung!”

Mok Seongha shouted his name, he voice trembled as he was on the verge of tears.

“Seongha-ssi?”

A familiar figure emerged from the darkness. Mok Seongha ran across the rice fields. Had there ever been a moment in his life when he wanted something this much?

He ran through the muddy field, lost his balance as his feet sank, and pitched forward. He didn’t even have time to feel embarrassed. He got up and ran again.

“Seongha-ssi, why…”

Before Kim Jinkyung could finish speaking, Mok Seongha ran up and pulled him into a hug. His hands were covered in mud, and they both quickly became a mess, but he couldn’t care less about that.

“Uh, wait a second, just a second….”

Kim Jinkyung tried to push him back and talk, but Mok Seongha desperately clung to him, as if he would die the moment Kim Jinkyung stepped away. His hands around him were even trembling.

Kim Jinkyung gave up and leaned against Mok Seongha’s shoulder, waiting until he calmed down.

“…Why did you go out….”

That was the first thing Mok Seongha said after a long while.

“I woke up suddenly. …I couldn’t fall back asleep.”

He had woken up out of nowhere. His body felt heavy and damp, like soaked cotton, but the more he closed his eyes and tried to sleep, the farther sleep slipped away.

In the end, Kim Jinkyung sat up. He thought about waking Mok Seongha, but he was sleeping so soundly that he didn’t want to wake him up and went outside alone.

“I wondered if there might be a greenhouse nearby, so I looked around a bit. Everything around here looks the same, so I thought there might be one close by….”

“Why are you the one looking for that?”

“…I wanted to help you.”

“Why did you go out alone?!” Mok Seongha shouted.

“You have good hearing,” Kim Jinkyung said slowly.

“If you didn’t hear me get up and leave, then… you must’ve been really tired.”

Kim Jinkyung had managed to get some sleep, even if only briefly, but Mok Seongha had stayed awake for days. He hadn’t slept during the funeral, and afterward he spent the nights sitting in the garden.

“Even though you were that tired, you still wanted to come and look for it,” Kim Jinkyung said, still looking at him.

It was always like that. Kim Jinkyung found answers to questions Mok Seongha didn’t even realize he had. He somehow found answers in a life full of errors and wrong turns.

“…You don’t have to look anymore.”

Mok Seongha tightened his arms around Kim Jinkyung.

After reading his grandfather’s final diary, Mok Seongha cried for a long time.

The diary, which had been filled with resentment and regret toward the man who killed his daughter, began to include a different name.

At first, it used the words ‘that thing,’ then it changed to ‘that child,’ and eventually he used ‘Seongha.’ What his young grandson had learned, what he could do, what he lacked, and in what situations he lost his calm. Everything was carefully written down, without leaving anything out. By the end, it was no longer a diary but a report on Mok Seongha.

The old man worried especially about the grandson who wouldn’t eat food given by others. Later on he even wrote down what the boy ate and compared it in detail.

He worried about the day his grandson would be left alone and learn the truth about his parents. At first, he hid the truth out of hatred for the man who had dragged his daughter into the accident. Later, he hid it out of concern for his grandson.

‘These flowers in the garden were planted by your mother. Your mom loved you very much.’

The old man planted and tended the flowers for the child, and he said those words.

‘So, Seongha… just remember that you were loved. You don’t need to remember the rest. That’s enough.’

The house he visited after his daughter’s death was filled with photos of the child and toys worn smooth by little hands. The messy drawings covering every wall made it obvious at a glance how loved the child had been in that home. He took flowers from that house and replanted them in the garden of the mansion.

Every time the grandson looked at the flowers, he hoped the boy would remember only how much he had been loved. He didn’t need to look for any other memories.

The first person to plant the flowers was the mother, but the one who cared for them in the end was the grandfather. Until the last day he could still write, he worried about his grandson.

When Mok Seongha saw the writing from that final day, letters crooked as the old man lost control of his hands, he cried for a long time.

Beef 800 grams. Rice porridge, broccoli, radish soup, and rolled omelet. Season lightly.

That was the dinner Mok Seongha had eaten that day. When he thought about his grandfather, who had gone so far as to give instructions down to that level, Mok Seongha couldn’t hold it in.

He wanted to find his memories. He wanted to recover them and tell his grandfather. It felt like the least repayment he could offer.

That was why he woke Secretary Kang and asked about the location of the greenhouse where he had been found. And there was something else he wanted to know.

Whether he had inherited the blood of the beast that killed his mother.

“You don’t have to look for your memories…”

Mok Seongha held Kim Jinkyung’s face and kissed him. They had only been apart for a short while, but the moment their lips touched, he realized how much he had missed him.

The kiss tasted of mud, and grit crunched between their teeth. Even so, it felt so good it was unbearable. It felt good, so good, and because it felt good, it just kept feeling good.

In the darkness, Mok Seongha closed his eyes while holding tightly onto the person he had searched for so desperately.

1. a funeral ceremony in Korean Buddhism, which takes place over 49 days, providing bereaved families an ample opportunity to interact with each other and the spirit of the dead. ↩︎