ITDW 53

“Euk, heuk, eup. Heu….”

Jaeri tried to hold back his tears, but he could not. To be so helpless in front of hyung, unable to even hold back his tears, nor wipe them away….

Jungyoon used his fingers to wipe away all the tears on Jaeri’s face. He even scraped away the tears clinging to the corners of his eyes.

“Jaeri,”

“…Heuk, eu-euk, yes.”

“Should I tie your hands and feet and have you wait for only me at home? Would you like that?”

Jaeri shook his head. Still, he could not say anything. The tears kept coming, and the patient hand continued to wipe them away for a while. Only when Jaeri’s tears had subsided after a long time did Jungyoon ask again.

“You like being locked up and waiting for only me, don’t you.”

“……”

“But, why are you crying like this. As if you’ve heard something scary.”

He once again swept Jaeri’s cheek with the back of his hand. Jaeri flinched at his touch.

“How long are you going to cry.”

“Heuk, kkeuk… eup, hyung…, I have, something… I want to, ask….”

Jaeri took out a certain resolution he had buried in his heart. A question he had wanted to ask, but could not because he was scared of the answer. He decided to ask it now. Jaeri’s lips were a mess. There were cuts on both sides, and his naturally plump lower lip was even more swollen from how much he had gnawed on it, trying to hide his feelings.

“Go on.”

“…Because you pitied me….”

He could not continue for a while. Seeing him bow his head deeply, Jungyoon pulled the child into an embrace and patted him. Jaeri, like a good boy, continued to keep his hands clasped behind his back, not letting them go.

“Is that why you, had sex… with me?”

It was a question he had not asked because he was afraid of the answer he would hear. He had been the one to pounce first, to kiss first. After a very short time, too short to call a period of deliberation, hyung had immediately defined their relationship. What could have been the reason?

Jungyoon pulled Jaeri away from his embrace.

“……”

He stared at Jaeri fixedly. That gaze and non-response became a kind of answer for Jaeri.

“Th- then…. I.”

Jungyoon raised his eyebrows and stared coldly. So what are you going to do? Go ahead and say it. Every time he blinked, water gushed out.

“…I don’t think I can, live on my own, I’m sorry. I’ll just stay quietly in my room, and, come out to see you, sometimes…. I’m sorry… I’ll try to just live as your little brother.”

Jaeri mumbled with a slightly dazed expression. Still, he could not bring himself to say that he would go live on his own.

Fleeting emotions were fickle and could not be trusted. Judging rationally, hyung was heterosexual, he could meet a pretty and talented woman anytime, and… even if he had felt some kind of exclusive affection, it could have just been a momentary illusion or a momentary sexual desire.

Even if one treated another based on a fleeting emotion, and even if that person was deeply hurt as a result, it was just a natural thing. It would not have been an action from a bad heart, just, something a person might do.

He was sad that he had nothing to give to hyung. And he knew that a love extorted would hurt even more. The large, and ever-growing, love for him desired purity. That distinctly revealed impurity would stab him.

Jaeri was still looking at Jungyoon, and Jungyoon was doing the same.

“I was too easy, wasn’t I. I should have choked you for daring to like me, spat on you, and kicked you out.”

He said, as if spitting the words through his teeth.

He was right. An ordinary person would have refused so cruelly, or would have been deeply troubled. He did not seem troubled at all, nor did he seem to be deliberating. That clarity, on the contrary, raised questions about the relationship.

Did hyung think of me as just a pastime? And will he, at any moment, cruelly abandon me just because he’s bored? Telling me that I was never an important person to him from the start, and what was I deluding myself with.

Just like that, he was running wild on his own and then got a splash of cold water. He was hugging that balloon-like emotion that no one understood or could understand, and enjoying it all by himself, and then he was shunned because he looked so foolish and uncomfortable.

Jaeri was not sobbing anymore. Tears were just falling down, but he could not even do anything about that.

The brothers were silent for a while. Jungyoon spoke in a voice from which all tension had drained.

“Is this because I, made you grow up alone.”

Jungyoon had gone to a university hospital after finishing his public health doctor service, and had been continuously busy ever since joining the company. Jaeri, too, had become busy with his studies upon entering high school. As Jungyoon said, Jaeri had grown up alone during his teenage years.

“……”

“Is it because I left you alone, that you’re acting so foolish, frustrating, and clueless right now?”

“…It’s not like that. You didn’t, leave me alone.”

Jaeri was mumbling when Jungyoon cut him off.

“Jaeri, you and I are now.”

“…Yes.”

“Dating.”

He neatly cut off the bud of doubt.

“…Dating.”

It was a grateful and sad word. Dating, marriage, love.

“Why do I have to say it in words for you to understand.”

“…Do you, like… me too, hyung?”

A furrow formed between Jungyoon’s brows.

“Did you think I was just doing you a service all this time, you insolent thing.”

A certain weighty stability settled in Jaeri’s heart. He was not the type of person to do service just because he pitied his little brother.

“…No.”

“If you’re already thinking of running away, what do you think I, will do to you.”

“…I think you’ll scold me.”

Jungyoon moved right up to Jaeri. He looked at Jaeri’s face, which was beginning to get wet again, then grabbed his chin and started to kiss him. He started by sucking and licking his lower lip, which he had bitten to hold back his tears. He sucked it until it made a popping sound, and licked up the mucous membrane inside his upper lip. With wet, frictional sounds, Jaeri’s soft lips were messily crushed and parted. He inserted his wet tongue into the parted mouth.

Jaeri’s hands, which he could not move, turned white. It was because he was putting so much strength into his two clasped hands. Jaeri accepted the kiss he was giving with difficulty, and tensed his shoulders to keep from being pushed back.

He supported Jaeri’s waist with his hand. Jaeri wanted to grasp the large hand that had come over his own clasped ones, so he wiggled his fingers. But a strong grip pressed down, preventing him from moving his hands. The force was enough to make his hands hurt.

At the forceful kiss, Jaeri tried to turn his head away from him to breathe. He thought he would let him breathe, but he did not even give him a chance and immediately touched the end of his throat. Jaeri tried to turn his head again to pull his mouth away.

“Can’t, breathe, hng.”

When Jaeri spoke in a brief gap, he pulled his mouth away.

“…You can, bring your hands forward.”

His mouth was devoured again. Jaeri wrapped his now-free arms around his neck.

If he had been a pastime, Jaeri had been planning to refuse.

But if he was not a pastime, then there was nothing he could do now. For the permitted period, he just had to have the beautiful love he had never dared to think would be realized. If hyung said he was getting married, Jaeri could not tell him not to, and if hyung wanted to have sex even after getting married, he would have no choice but to do as he wished. If hyung said they should break up, and never see each other like this again, then he would have to. He had known from the beginning that wanting more than that was greedy.

When he heard Seonyoung’s words, it felt as if the very ground he was standing on was shaking. It was because he was not sure. It was a different matter for hyung to play around with him and then abandon him for the sake of marriage, versus them loving each other and hyung having no choice but to get married. So Jaeri had to get it straight.

The former case was beyond the threshold of pain he could endure. The latter case would hurt too, but at least he could hold onto the memory of them having loved each other once.

From the very beginning of their relationship, sharp fragments of emotion had been steadily piling up, gently scratching at Jaeri’s insides.

Among all those variables, he would not be the one to change his mind first. It was harder to find a moment in his life when he had not loved hyung. It had only gotten better.

Jungyoon’s study had both walls packed with books. The sheer volume of books, from medical and business administration books to literature books piled up like towers, was intimidating in itself. On the bookshelf on Jungyoon’s desk were binders with company work-related materials, business reviews, the latest papers, and scraps.

“The real goal of this Dubai plant project is to build a network that will be helpful for future expansion into the African energy business. We just need to not have a deficit in the contract amount, so do a proper job this time and build trust. Identify and report on the royal family, high-ranking officials, and the so-called local iron triangle. I believe it won’t be difficult to break into Africa if we just have the links, and I have high expectations.”

Jungyoon’s phone calls rarely exceeded five minutes. Because he gave instructions by pointing out only the necessary points and the core, the other person did not dare to think of wasting Jungyoon’s time.

After finishing the call, Jungyoon returned his gaze to the documents and checked something with a fountain pen. When he heard a rustling sound from behind him, Jungyoon slowly closed and opened his eyes once, and closed the document with a snap. When Jungyoon turned around, Jaeri, who had spread out a blanket in a corner of the study and was rolling around, flinched for no reason.

“Is that book, interesting?”

Jungyoon had given him what was probably the most interesting book among those in his study. Tolstoy’s What Men Live By. Jaeri had been reading it lying on his side, but he had set it aside.

“Yes.”

“You don’t look like you’re enjoying it.”

“…I was looking at you, hyung, because you look cool when you’re working.”

“Hoo….”

Jungyoon let out a sigh.

“…Is work not going well because of me? I was being quiet… should I leave?”

Jaeri sat up and asked. The blanket rustled. Every time it rustled, it felt as if a sweet scent was floating in the air. Jungyoon closed his eyes.

“Yes, work is really not going well. Go out and wait.”

“……”

At the unexpected answer, Jaeri fidgeted, just fiddling with the spine of the book.

“Aren’t you leaving?”

At his words, Jaeri got up and neatly folded and gathered the blanket. As he was leaving the study with an armful of blanket, the book he had been holding along with it fell to the floor with a thud.

“This is really.”

At Jungyoon’s outburst, Jaeri looked at him nervously, put the blanket back down, and picked up the book.

“…I didn’t do it on purpose.”

“The mean owner, won’t even take the good puppy for a walk, is that it, now.”

“Good puppy….”

Jaeri latched onto one of his words and mumbled. Looking at his dazed face, Jungyoon spoke.

“Get changed, and come out. Let’s go out and have fun.”

Jaeri threw the book he had picked up onto the blanket.

“Ah, really? Where?”

Jungyoon had definitely given Jaeri a choice. It was rare for him to give his authority to someone else. Jaeri, not knowing it was an opportunity, said things like, “Ah… I like being at home with you the most, hyung….” and then, “Anywhere is fine, anywhere,” and threw away his choice.

Jungyoon did not like that kind of waste. When you claim your rights, you should claim them for sure, and when you are given a gift, you should know how to receive it graciously, saying, thank you. Jaeri was too bad at receiving.